Doc Tesseract

The adventures of Greg Silverman, retail industry employee, prospective college student and superhero.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Jump Around: The Extended Remix

Well, I'm finally back from London, so I guess I'd better talk about how I suddenly started defying every known law of physics. And at least now I think I know what happened during my little time out.

It all started with work at Electromat. My parents gave me the "you're such a brave trooper, and if you suddenly start having traumatic flashbacks, just call us and we'll take you home" speech as I set off from the house; they, unlike me, are still quite wary about me going out in public ever since the Mysterious Episode.*

Now, Electromat has crafted an image for itself as a laid-backed, hipster store where customers can feel okay talking about experiencing technical inferiority with the employees. The store maintains this image because if the employees are one hair out of line during said conversing, they will be taken out back and shot. I can't speak for the other stores, but if this Electromat is any example, they're all like that. My boss, Brett, is the Soup Nazi put in middle management in electronics retail.

So, anyway. When the lunchtime half-hour is declared, I find a similar stringency applies: No going over a half-hour, even by a minute, or we'll dock your pay for the rest of the noontime hour (did I mention the gratuitous employee discounts? Because I feel I should, or else I will be forced to face the cold truth). As with half the forward planning so far in my life, I say, "Screw it," and head for a restaurant at the other end of the mall that does gyros, because I am a sucker for gyros. A combination of slow service and aforementioned lack of planning leaves me with two minutes to get back to the other end of the mall, at a distance that is probably three minutes running.

I run as fast as I can, ducking and weaving between innocent shoppers and hoping that Brett's heart has grown three sizes that half-hour. As I keep running, I picture the facade of the Electromat in my head, the glass windows showcasing PCs and XBoxes. If only I can get there, I think...

Suddenly, I hear a huge-- well, I never very good at onomatopoeia, so let's say thhhWONK-- and I'm right outside of Electromat. With a cool minute to spare.

Needless to say, while I'm glad I was able to save those $3.25 from total oblivion, I'm a bit disconcerted by the whole experience. Since when did I have superpowers? And ones that made time and space my bitch, at that?

Mind you, once I get over the slight feelings of Dude, what the fuck?, it hits me:

I have superpowers. I have fucking superpowers.

The rest of the work day passes in a blur, and I check out around 4 PM. Once I get home, I shut the door to my bedroom, a clear sign to my parents that while I appreciate the fact that they've put a roof over my head, given me food, and paid for my college tuition, I would like some "me time." I sit on my bed, and think of New York City. Picture the Chrysler Building... picture 5th Avenue... picture the Empire State Building...

There's another thhhWONK, and a split second later, I'm on top of the Empire State Building.

The needly part, to be specific.

Soon after I stopped panicking and teleported down to street level, I realized that I'm probably going to need to picture very specific locations, lest I end up a greasy stain on the pavement.

From there, I'm leapfrogging across the US. The Public Gardens in Boston... the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco... the London Tower in, well, you know... the Arc d'Triomphe in Paris... throw on some played-out songs about the city at hand, and you have the travel montage in every hack comedy known to man.

Now that I've had a bit of fun with my new mode of transportation, I can guess what happened during the Mysterious Episode. Now comes the big question: Why?

*There's a school of thought that says if you capitalize something, it's more important.

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