Doc Tesseract

The adventures of Greg Silverman, retail industry employee, prospective college student and superhero.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Attack of the Giant Robot!

So, we're in Center City last night, looking for trouble, when we feel the ground shake.

"What the hell?" I shout. "I didn't know Philly was on a fault line."

"Maybe some bozo's making a quake," Punch said.

Soon after, the shaking stopped. And then the screaming began. We all turned, only to see a giant fricking robot striding through Philly.

If you didn't see it on the news, this thing looked like your average robot. Think the Iron Giant, but a bit more streamlined. Then again, design isn't all that important when it can crush an elephant with its feet.

"Let's go," Judy says. I don't know exactly where the robot was, so I do a series of ports towards its general vicinity, until we end up in Strawberry Mansion. The robot was just going berserk, stomping on anything it could find.

"Can you get into him?" I ask Punch.

"No," he says. "Believe me, I'm trying. That thing's got a strong security system."

"Do you think you can do it?"

"Yeah," he says. "I just need some time. If you can distract him, that might help, too."

"Okay. Judy, do you think you could land on him if I ported you up there?"

"Definitely," she says. With that, I open a portal to somewhere a few hundred feet above the robot's head, and Judy leaps in. As I watch, she manages to pull off a few somersaults before landing gently on his left shoulder.

All I can basically do was watch. I mean, the robot is too big to port, and who knows what will happen if I start porting debris to rain down on his head?

Judy, on the other hand, does great. She leaps about the giant's shoulder, blasting it with psychic mojo. Every now and then, I see tiny scraps of metal fly from its face.

Then the thing raises its right arm, and swings it at Judy! She falls off, and from a distance, it looks like she isn't floating. I open a portal beneath her, and Judy falls gently onto the pavement. Then I do something entirely reckless: I port onto the thing's shoulder.

"Hey!" I yell at it. It turns its head. "Yeah, you! Look at you, you pathetic hunk of bolts! What would Hogarth think?*"

It swats at me, but I manage to port onto its other shoulder. It keeps trying to hit me, but I keep porting around: on top of its head, on one of its feet, into a gap in the breastplate. Finally, the thing stops swatting at me, and, I swear to G-d, winks. Punch has finally gotten through.

I port back down. "Good job," I say to Punch. "Is she okay?"

"I'm fine," Judy says. "Thanks for the save, though. I was kinda distracted after that thing thought I was a mosquito."

We look at the robot. "So," I ask, "what does one do with a colossus?"

"One turns it over to the proper authorities," I hear behind me. I turn to see The Silver Bullet, who's finally decided to show up. "You guys did well. Come on, Punch, let's get this guy to Boiling."

"Where's Boiling?" I ask.

"Boiling Air Force Base, in DC. They've got two whole bunkers devoted to advanced technology."

"DC!" says Judy.

"I'm sorry, Alice," says Punch. That's probably the first time I've heard him call her by her real name on duty. "I'll be back tomorrow morning, I promise. Okay?"

She sighs. "Okay, dad."

And with that, Punch, The Silver Bullet, and the giant tin can march off into the night. I take Judy back to her place in silence, wish her goodnight, then port back home.

I wonder if I should have said something.

*Yes, I love that movie. Yes, I cried at the end. Yes, I am a massive dork. Shut up.

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