Doc Tesseract

The adventures of Greg Silverman, retail industry employee, prospective college student and superhero.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Finally! Some Asskicking!

So I was out on patrol last night, standing hunched over like a gargoyle on the edge of 111 Huntington Avenue, which looks vaguely like the Daily Planet. Hey, I have to strike a heroic pose every once in a while. Suddenly, I hear gunshots on Boylston Street. I port across rooftops until I come to the source of the gunfire, only to find a gorilla shaking down an armored car.

Okay, so, maybe it's not a gorilla. For one thing, gorillas don't wear jeans. For a second thing, they're prettier than this guy. He looks like R. Lee Ermey with a groin hernia. But one thing's for sure: this guy is strong. When I saw "shaking down," I mean "shaking down". He has the truck over his head, and is shaking sacks of money, as well as the occasional guard, out of it. The other guards are running away while shooting. Not that it does any help; every so often, I see a bullet fly off of Steroid Boy's chest. By the ape's side is this blond girl who looks vaguely like Faye Dunaway as Bonnie Parker, and whose supervillain disguise apparently consists of dark sunglasses. In the middle of the night. Obviously, I'm dealing with criminal geniuses.

"Hey, King Kong!" I yell from on high. When he and his girlfriend look up, I get down on the street. He turns around just as I fire off a beam, and throws the truck at it, absorbing the blast. Hope The Citadel knows how to deal with armored trucks. Steroid Boy comes charging at me with the speed of a rhino; rather than try to get off another beam in the precious few seconds before I get steamrolled, I port back up to the building.

"How rude!" says the blonde girl. She's been working on her Bonnie Parker imitation; she sounds like Scarlett O'Fucking'Hara. "You'd think these Northern boys would learn a few manners."

"Sorry, miss," I say back, "but where I'm from, we learn not to try and break open armored trucks for the toy surprise." Again, I try to launch off a beam at Steroid Boy--

--only to see it halt in mid-air and fade away. What the hell? Suddenly, I'm finding it hard to concentrate; my mind keeps darting about, and I feel like a jittery housecat on amphetamines. Steroid Boy sees I'm helpless, so he runs at the building and grabs onto the side of it. His hands drive through the stone, giving him instand handholds; with a few more punches, he's slowly climbing up to meet me. I try to port back down to street level, and find myself staring at Bonnie Beta. At least I can gets my wits together enough for that.

"Ain't you heard of us, honey?" she says when she finally finds me again. "We're Brains and Brawn. You can probably tell which one of us is which. And I've gotta say, my psychic static seems to be working well enough. Why, in a few minutes, I doubt you'll even be able to move." I hear the sound of concrete cracking as Brawn lands back on the ground. I port to a building on the other side of the street. This time, though, it's harder; I aim for somewhere about ten feet away from the edge of the roof, and find myself almost dangling over the street below. My ports are starting to get inaccurate; one wrong move and I'm a pancake. All the while, Brawn is climbing after me again.

It takes me a few seconds to get a plan together, but when it comes to me, it seems good enough. I port back down to street level; this time, I'm a good two feet above ground, and about twenty feet from Brains. "Good one, honey," she says mockingly when I finally hit the ground. "I'm surprised you didn't end up in the concrete here. That'd've been a mighty fine mess."

Without thinking (or at least, trying not to think), I charge at Brains. She panicks and throws her hand out at me. I can feel my mind clouding up, but it doesn't matter: I just keep my fists out and hope I hit something. A sudden crack and a clearer mind later, I know I've been successful. I look down, and Brain is lying on the ground, unconscious.

Then I hear a roar like a lion caught in a bear trap. Looks like Brawn saw what went down. I turn to look up, only to see him come soaring down towards me. I put my hands out and-- success!-- fire off a beam. With that, Brawn gets ported off to The Citadel. I send Brains soon after, make sure the guards are okay, then head back to the dorm.

Looks like I really can handle this town by myself.